Oh darn!

After a brief malady of blogstipation im back and what better way to start then by poking fun at people of my breed, oh i soo soo darn love this.! Even if i was half as intelligent as Mr.Sherlock Homes i would not be able to comprehend whats goes on inside a i'm-a-communist-come-kiss-my-ass walking talking mallu.

I was on my way to my second cousin's place which is a small town called Vellangazhlure, i knew how her house looked but the route from the bus stop to the house was a bit blurred. It was my maiden solo bus trip across towns and tension was running high, my cousins had warned me about butt pinching male travellers and you-are-alive-cos-of-the-loud-horns type bus drivers but nevertheless i decided to make that trip. I got off the bus and looked around, thoroughly confused i approached an old man with a long sticked umbrella near the bus stop.

Confused Traveller :: Hi i need to get to Thomana Chittilapilly Paul mashe's(teacher) house, this is the address.Can you tell me which way i should go.
Beaming old man :: Oh its just a couple of minutes walk from here. How is his nieces's sister-in-law's mother, heard she sprained her leg while climbing up the stairs.

(I was dumbstruck, i didn't even know how her sister-in-law looked, leave alone her mother. Regaining my composure i reassure him that she is doing ok, a fib.)
Confused Traveller :: Oh she doing fine. How do you know her.?
Beaming old man :: Nice to hear that,God bless her! she is actually my neighbours cousin. Your uncles kids are still in the Gulf is it ?

(I'm gasping for breath, how the hell does he know so much about my family when i didn't even know of his existence till now. I'm almost sure that he is a spy sent out by the CIA who have mistaken me for a life threatening terrorist. Ghastly images of police cars with sirens shoving a handcuffed me flash b4 my eyes, Haneef incident is still fresh u see.!)
Confused Traveller :: Ye-ye-yess still there in Kuwait.
Beaming old man :: Oh my bus has come, btw i forgot to tell you the route. Go straight, take a left near Palliparambale Johnny's house and then take a right near my brother's house. The third building from the left is the one. And also convey my regards to your uncle in Delhi.

I stood there gaping for what seemed like eternity. Not knowing who his brother is nor who Palliparambale Johnny is, i used my smart ass brain to phone my cousin who picked me up from the bus stop. Phew! It was a lesson learned, if you are lost in Kerala don't even bother asking for directions, zimmbly rely on your instincts.

Come wedding season and you are bound to meet 646 of your imediate family members in shinning, shimmering gold and gold and more gold! Apart from the ostentatious display of food, gold and sari's there is another thing that makes me wanna run for those blessed kalashnikov's, mallu aunty's! They come in hordes to check out the teeny-weeny Alapatt Jeweller's bracelet dangling from your wrist, the same one that your grandmom cajoled you into wearing cos there would be ppl around who come solely to check out gold and discuss how many pavans each one is. Now the problem doesn't stop there, if you are a graduate(engineering preferred) and 22+ then you are bound to meet Jibymon's , Shibu's and other my-son-is-an-engineer mom's who proudly declare that their son is a computer engg in Texas earning $xxx per month and with a car and a house. A typical conversation would go thus..
Menacing Mallu :: Moleeh, are you Theketala Pinto's aunt's grandchild?
Me :: Ahh,hmm, i think so.
Menacing Mallu (cheekily checking out my shoes) :: Oh i'm his sister's cousin's wife.
Me :: Oh i see. Nice to meet you.
Menacing Mallu :: How much do you earn per month?
Me (regaining ground) :: Ahh enough to survive.
Menacing Mallu :: My sister's son finished his kampyuter engg from XYZ college and earns $xxxx per month.
Me (loathing look) :: Oh that's nice.
Menacing Mallu :: My brother's son is in Australia ,he own's a car and a house and earns so much that..
Me :: Ahh yes yes aunty coming, sorry gotta go now.
So thus i move from one aunty to another listening to how much each ones kith and kin earns in different currencies. I must admit i've succumbed to temptation of marrying one of these global citizens !
Eccentric, inquisitive, barbaric and overly gabby, we mallus are strange creatures indeed. I realised that mallu's innate talent of being garrulous can be annoying and at the same time entertaining, you just have to be in the right state of mind to appreciate it.